Winchmore Hill 6s 4 – Alexandra Park 5s 2

SAL Minor Div 1 North | January 16, 2016

Scorers: Hyde, Dodimead

The first game of a New Year is always a weird one, heavy Christmas’s and sluggish pitches can affect the quality of Amateur football so it would be interesting to see how the 5s responded to their disappointing first half of the season 2015. With the oppo is some classic ‘we have not kit’ saga and not being able to warm up in fairly cold conditions we decided if we won the toss we’d go downhill first half with the sun at its peak for their keeper and hit them early, put the game to bed. That was the plan and to be honest it was still the right one.

Rather than leave the best till last I think this week we’ll start with the best. We won the toss. Onto the rest of what is the worst performance of football by any team I have ever seen, played for or against, been sent Youtube films of or read about in funny stocking filler football books. Honestly, we were dreadful from start to finish.

We couldn’t:
Pass, run (without falling over), clear the ball, strike the ball, tackle, track back, support the limited attacks that we had. Even basic communication skills were at levels not seen in human species for thousands of years. There was no fight, no passion and sadly, it seemed like no care.

We did:
Let players drift past us with ease, cross the ball from wherever they wanted, shoot from wherever they pleased, Have as much space as they wanted in the box when they had corners. Etc, etc you get the point, have I mentioned it was beyond terrible? After 10 minutes I think Winchmore had about 10 shots, somehow, none of these went in. Both flanks we’re being exposed at will. When we got the ball we’d slip it inside to the boggiest part of the pitch so Duane could get crunched. Nice. When we tried to clear, the ball went about 8 yards to a player of their choice. Somehow, the ball ended up with their centre backs and for once ,Dodimead didn’t fall over, chased their full back who made a cock up that would have been right at home in our team and presented Hyde with a right footed chance to go 1-0 up. He took it!!! 1-0 AP, was this pantomime a dark thriller? Was this a heist? No. 2 minutes later a cross was whipped in from wherever they chose and Al did the honourable thing and stuck it past Harry who had no chance. 1-1.

The next 20 minutes produced another ridiculous amount of shots for them with only Harry, the woodwork and poor shooting saving our blushes. Sooner or later though it would obviously happen, a cross from whoever they chose came in and an unmarked oppo embarrassingly dribbled it into the net. 2-1. 2 minutes before half time we spent a minute behaving like a football team, Hyde and Doyle linked up well, Doyle put a good cross in and Dodimead headed home. We will not dwell on this, it’s undeserved.

The 2nd half was marginally better, we were still terrible though and shipped 2 more goals, I can’t be bothered writing about it though, all you need to know is they scored 2 and we were dreadful. I will add, Goalkeeper Harry stepped in to play despite moving house and put all his body in the way to stop a cricket score, none of the above can, should or will be attributed to him. Moving on from Saturday we all need a hard think about how we’re playing, we are a loss or two from a relegation fight and if that happens then it’s a real worry as we have no fight what so ever, no pride, nothing. Last year we were the envy of the SAL and it’s time we get that back. We fight, we play for each other and we win. We win ugly, we run ourselves into the ground and we do what 5s do best and get slaughtered together after the game if possible. We have a solid team but we are letting ourselves down. A Winchmore hill centre back asked me after the game what happened to us after last year as he recognised a lot of the team, I had no words and fortunately no more room for shame.

Finally, if we play this Saturday it will be cold, if you need gloves, or to dress up like a baby seal to keep yourselves warm then fine but remember, it will not protect you from the winter if you stand around watching the oppo take the piss out of us.

MOTM – Harry, for whom without we would have lost count of the score line.

Onwards and upwards.

5th Team / Match Reports