Scorers: Spencer(4), Kelly(2), Lohasu, Brown
Okay. Not trying to sound like a big man or anything but I have drunk a fair amount of shandies since the match on Saturday. This fact is stretching even the liberal artistic license I usually rely on when making up the match report. On account of this – and because in this day and age who can really be bothered to follow a narrative – I shall be conducting the match report as an easy to digest, scattergorical list of sentences:
First up, we learned that goalkeepers really don’t like to get lobbed, let alone from a kick-off, as Bardgett took personal offense to a Lloyds’ effort which sailed harmlessly wide. Despite being 8-3 up at the time, his palpable disgust manifested in the scream “Do that again! Go on, do that again” delivered with the furor of Samuel L Jackson at the end of his famous Pulp Fiction monologue.
You know you’ve got a real baller when he can call dibs over Ozan for a penalty. Matt Kelly duly slotted said penalty and had the sidelines purring with admiration for his space creation, ridiculous positivity, intelligent running and pinpoint passes. I was feeling less complimentary on the pitch as his tendency to set me up with sitters, and my tendency to miss them was making me feel a little inadequate in comparison.
Leon Brown came up with the best possible response after some intimidation tactics from a Lloyds player who was incensed by being called a gangster (which I must admit I’d be rather flattered by, but each to their own). He leaped majestically to score a bullet header from the back post shortly after the flashpoint. This feat was completed with a cool “your not even worth celebrating against” jog back to our half. He carried on this fine form after the whistle when the player stated “you and me, we’re not even on the same level” by simply retorting “we’re playing on the same pitch”. He did conversely come up with a divisive response to the question “do you want me to kick your face”, by replying “if you kick me in the face, that would be your decision”: A statement that is bound to exasperate the Hard Determinists within Alexandra Park’s burgeoning philosophy scene (nice one Gustavo).
Lahuso scored a very well taken goal, but more importantly missed a sitter in the first half. I would suggest he’s in good company there, but I don’t like to talk about myself in these reports. Talking about well taken goals, Dave scored a deft nutmeg in a composed one on one with possibly the best keeper in the league. I’ll leave that sentence there.
Tom also scored a quartet of goals, each one more striker-y than the last. They are also the only goals I can remember because I was admittedly looking at Tom during the other goals (He used to be a model you know).
For the last two games there have been a spate of incidents with players trying to trap a rolling ball, only for it to roll under their feet. Fevzi succumbed to the classic “miss and watch despairingly as the ball trickles off the pitch” combo this week. I also miss-controlled when trying to bring down a delightful cross-field ball from Dan Wilding, then compounded my misery by slipping over after retrieving it.
Michael Graves is a player who comes prepared for any scenario, and sometimes even exactly the same scenario, as he seemed to change from a pair of studded Adidas boots into another pair of studded Adidas boots at half time. I may need to redact that sentence next week, so let’s bed in the rumour in the meantime.
Shock horror: The referee was actually alright by my subjective standards. He was admittedly a little pedantic in sending off one of their players (for denying a goal scoring opportunity with his hand) despite almost everyone’s protests. On the plus side, that did deny Tom another goal, which might make the race for the golden boot a little more interesting at least.